As a Muslim revert, I became curious about why Allah allows up to 4 wives for each man and why so many women are against it and get furious when it’s discussed. Polygyny has been decreed as a right for every man and not every man is mentally equipped to handle all that comes with having multiple wives and not every woman is mentally equipped to handle all the emotions that come with sharing a man. To me, that means if we can gain emotional intelligence grown Muslim women and men may just embrace marriage and polygyny from a more beneficial lens.
Being emotionally secure and emotionally confident is at the core of handling anything challenging in life. I have to say, for being so advanced in so many areas, as humans we are still very much behind with our emotional evolution. It’s not that we don’t know “how.” It is that we don’t put the necessary time and energy towards cultivating healthy emotions. Most people are just too busy to teach their children. So it is principally addressed in adulthood and then it becomes really hard work that most adults don’t want to invest in it.
My goal with everything I write is to make it interactive and if you’re going to read this I want to ensure that something actually changes in your thought process and in your life.
All the work I do and write about is from a heterosexual perspective. Whether you are a Muslim or not, every woman and man, wants to have a caring and loving partner that understands them and that they can live a happy and fulfilling life with. As young girls and young boys grow up they become influenced and therefore learn how to think about what it means to grow up and pursue an adult life. Think about what you learned to believe: you need to get an education, get a job or start a business, find a person to marry, and have a family of your own. The pressure is real and the pressure starts at a very young age. You observe the role of females and males in your life and in society and establish beliefs about how to act in your own life. How are you showing up in your life? What influences and learned behaviors are you living from?
The Holy Quran says, “And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing” [24:32].
RIGHT ATTITUDE + RIGHT CONDUCT
The truth is, marriage is not easy, and marriage for Muslims is the goal. The Quran establishes marriage as highly recommended and set as a priority. This verse mentioned endorses marriage to each and every person who is single, specifically mentioning the quality of being righteous. As one strives for righteousness, not perfection, one strives to cultivate a correct attitude and mindset and also working towards achieving the capabilities necessary to fulfill the responsibilities of marriage. This verse explicitly teaches that wealth should not be considered a source of anxiety and certainly not a barrier to marriage. It is true that in many cases a suitor may be rejected on the basis of wealth and that some families prevent their children from seeking marriage unless a particular income is earned. It is clear to see that the character of a potential spouse is more enduring than wealth.
To cultivate a healthy attitude, mindset, and character a person needs to be open to consistently taking inventory of themselves to identify the areas that need attention. Being able to identify one’s needs for help takes courage and vulnerability. Asking for help to evolve as a person is what results in healing and transformation and evolving into a person that can navigate the ups and downs of a marriage or any relationship.
If you have read this far I want to ask you to step up into an activity that will allow you to experience how to take inventory of yourself. Whether you are married, single, or looking for your other half take a moment to identify limiting beliefs you have about yourself, about others, and life. Write them down. Once you identify the beliefs that are limiting you, that pull you away from fully accessing the mercy of Allah, this is the point of true internal change that allows for courageous vulnerability.
Be a seeker of the truth with an open mind knowing that an outside perspective will give insight into what you are looking for.
“Are you free for a bit?” (Fady Shewaya) by Hamza Namira is probably one of the most beautiful love songs EVER written. It is about a husband and wife who were busy raising a family and lost touch with one another. The husband very sweetly beckons her back to him, so they can reconnect. He asks her out on a date and says, “the laughter’s bill” is on me.